10 Good Reasons to Elope

It seems to me that with every passing day I get older and older and every person around me starts hitting life milestones.  I've never had as many pregnant/engaged friends/acquaintances as I do now.  I feel like a silly teenager compared to all these women who are just swiftly hitting all the bases in a life homerun.  I've heard it's a southern thing to get married young, so maybe I'll move to NYC where I'll fit right in with all the Carries an Mirandas of the world.

Anyway, the only thing I've figured out is that I would not be a good mother and that I'm too lazy to plan a wedding and become a wife.  Then I figured I could still become a wife without all that wedding planning bull shit.  I could just elope, and it's totally justifiable. 

The first set of reasons revolves around the bill.  Who will foot the bill?!?

1.  As a Hispanic, I'm supposed to expect my fiance to pay for the wedding, but since most of my suitors are young and broke, it seems like my wedding food would consist of cheese and crackers. I could marry a rich older Texan like Jerry Jones, but then I'd end up like Anna Nicole Smith, and be married to said rich older Texan. At least I'd have 11 football players and 50 percent ownership to a state of the art architectural wonder left after Jerry's timely death.

2.  As an American, I'm supposed to be able to count on my dad to pay for the wedding, but my dad is a Hispanic who would expect my fiance to pay for the wedding.  He would get to the reception, receive his two crackers and three cubes of cheese and then lose all respect for my now husband who couldn't scrape up enough money to even get a can of Spam.  Anyway, what considerate bride would dip into her parents IRA knowning that so much of social security went to funding other things. 

3.  As a modern woman I'm supposed to be able to pay for my own wedding.  But as a modern woman, I'm educated enough to know that money is better spent on assets than parties.  I'd rather get some real estate with mineral rights.  Shout out to the Barnett Shale!!

Next is the problem of planning.  I hate planning.

4.  Making a guest list would be sheer torture.  There's only a few people in this world that I really love and they would probably already be sitting in my living room when I whipped out the envelopes.

5.  The logistics of making enough food for a wedding party can only lead to dry steak and sub par food in general.  Even $50 per plate dinners are cardboard-like when prepared for a crowd of 100.

6.  My taste in music is not quite party material, let alone wedding.  And I think it's a silly thing to plan a wedding for a bride and groom and then have to think of the guest list when making the play list.

Furthermore, there is the problem of traditions.

7.  I truly do enjoy clasping hands with all the single ladies at a wedding reception and running around in stilettos right before the bouquet is thrown.  However, I don't think I would like to be the bride standing in high heels on top of a wobbly stool with a half-drunk best man acting as a spotter as the only safety precaution.  All the while, clumsy single ladies snake around my makeshift platform in figure 8's.

8.  Can someone explain to me whose idea it was to have the groom stick his arm and/or head up the bride's dress in search of a garter while her parents (and the rest of the guests) look on. More importantly, why did everyone agree to it?

9.  I'm a pretty cosmopolitan woman, and I've been known to date interracially.  Have you ever thought of how hard it will be to plan a wedding cross culturally?  Just thinking about trying to blend two sets of traditions gives me a headache.

Lastly is the perk of location.

10.  Vegas, baby!