Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Why the Twilight Saga is so Great

I must confess, I am a Twihard. I don't know why, but I am. I'm 22 years old, about a decade past the targeted age group, and not very much of a romantic.

The saga is composed of three principal characters. Bella Swan is a normal human girl whose principal quality is clumsiness. She describes herself as plain, but not ugly. In school, she hits the mark, but mostly because it's not really a challenge. I don't think the book ever mentions her taking AP classes or having any special interest in any extracurricular activities. She gets humor, but I personally don't think she's all that funny. She's modest, but with good reason. I would hope that any person as mediocre as her wouldn't let her ego get too inflated. She has girlfriends, but they aren't very close to describe her as a "girlfriend." She's also not catty. In short, Bella Swan is an extremely average girl.

Edward Cullen is the guy that's too cool for school, literally. His hands are freezing cold and when it's sunny, he and his adopted vampire siblings stay home from school in order not to glisten like diamonds in public. In order for Bella to meet Edward at school, it is necessary that he attend. So Stephanie Meyer, the author of the series, took some artistic license and did away with the part of traditional vampire lore that says vampires spontaneously combust in the sunlight. Instead, she claims vamps only glisten in the sun and placed her fictional vampire coven in a part of the US that is overcast most days.

Jacob Black is a Native American whose ancestors left him and some of his fellow tribe members the ability to morph into wolves whenever the tribe is in danger. This all happens subconsciously, so he doesn't really have a choice. When the Cullen's, or any other supernatural threat nears their reservation, the pubescent males of the tribe are activated as werewolves. They also don't really abide by traditional werewolf lore that involves the full moon, silver bullets, and infectious bites. Later all this gets explained when we find out they are shape shifters, not actual werewolves. But all this is beside the point. Jacob is the opposite of Edward. He is warm, literally. His temperature is constantly at 108-degrees. That's 10 whole degrees hotter than the boy band from the late 90's that brought us hotties like Nick Lachey.

The Twilight Saga brings Gothic traditions to the mainstream and entertains regular women. I'm not a sucker for fantastic beings. I'm not attracted to literature or movies with wizards, witches, vampires, talking lions, potions, et cetera. I prefer movies about the human experiences. Stephanie Meyer puts the two together and makes something entirely different. Her boldness has created something new. With Twilight you don't get a simple run of the mill love story, nor do you get some book that's mostly about fighting and killing vampires to save the human race. You get a story about lovers with some serious action scenes to really get your adrenaline running.

The real genius behind the saga is how it plays on two archetypes of female desire.

Jacob Black is warm, understanding, and wholesome. Of Bella's two principal suitors, he is the one her father approves of. He is the one that makes her feel comfortable. He treats Bella as a total equal. He not only lets her ride a motorcycle, he goes out of his way to fix one up for her. Their conversations are lighthearted and fun.

Edward Cullen is cool, exotic and dangerous. He's actually 100 years older than her, so there's the whole experienced older guy thing. It's comparable to a high schooler dating a college guy, but the whole situation is on steroids. He makes her feel excited. However, he treats Bella with a very paternal attitude. Since he smelled her, his whole purpose has been to protect her. All this feeds into the whole Prince Charming, knight in shining armor fantasy that relieves the lucky princess of any responsibility to fend for herself. Their conversations are quite often very intense. Also, he's filthy rich.

Stephanie Meyer does adhere to traditional vampire myth when it comes to sensuality. All the vampire couples feel very intensely for each other, and in the last book it is revealed that they can really bang a headboard against the wall. Edward Cullen, however is above all that "hit it and quit it" bullshit. As dangerous as he is, he insist that he and Bella stay chaste until they exchange vows. Of course this doesn't keep Bella from pressing him for some nooky.

Bella's female character is unique in that she is allowed to feel desire much like a man would. In other fiction women are either the Madonna or the Magdalene; they are oftentimes one of two male desire archetypes, neither one of which can have it both ways. Bella is not an object of desire she is the player, but she's not a whore. She loves both guys and both guys love her. Bella is like a window shopper that will end up with a really great buy whichever way she goes. She can be really turned on by Edward Cullen and he won't think any less of her for trying to get herself some premarital booty. He understands that she is a hotblooded woman and that his desire for abstinence is simply a personal preference that was instilled in him when he was a youngster in the early 20th century, and that her desire for passionate sex is a natural part of the human experience.

Jacob, in the meantime loves her unconditionally and patiently. He doesn't even care that she's also in love with his mortal enemy. He just wants a chance to win her heart, and if and when he does, he won't even care that she also had the hots for Edward at some point.

The book is great because there is finally a female that can have her cake and eat it too.

SPOILER ALERT: At the end of the last book the whole love triangle is resolved by introducing a new character whom Jacob falls completely in love with. So, Bella gets to keep her easy-going best friend, get it on with her passionate lover keep in touch with her family, and upon getting turned into a vampire, finally finds a place in the world where she fits in.

As far as the movies, I go just to see if the director's vision matched my own. So far I've been pretty disappointed, especially with the casting. Although Rob Patterson is alright looking, I find him too hairy for someone whose skin is constantly being described as marble. I also find his lips too thin for my taste. Bella is hard to cast since she's supposed to be girl-next-door-boring and inspirational at the same time. Kristen Stewart hit the mark on one of those. My biggest issue is with Rosalie. She is supposed to be a beyond-stunning blonde. She was already more than beautiful in her human life. Add to that the magic of being a vampire (a creature traditional seen as the epitome of sexuallity) and you should have a being that is too beautiful for words. In my mind, Rosalie was played by Estella Warren, who by now is probably too old to be playing a teenager. Scarlet Johansen might be able to pass, but she's out of Twilight's league. That brings me to Taylor Swift. Young. Blonde. Beautiful. Instead they cast a girl who is merely attractive.

I will still go watch Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn when they come out, which will hopefully be soon.

The cha

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Gran Tourino

Some time ago I saw the movie Gran Tourino. To this day I feel a bit odd for loving it as much as I did. Rarely does a movie explore race relations and racial tensions as honestly as this movie does.

Remember the Titans did it pretty well, but the two cannot be compared. We are two generations removed from those events, and we have the present to reassure us that the schools remained de-segregated. Furthermore the friction in that movie was mostly about color, for both blacks and whites speak the same language and had had roots in this land for several centuries.

The friction in Gran Tourino really lies in the difference in culture. The characters with beef were White and Asian. Catholic and Buddhist. English-speaking and non-English speaking.

The lead role, played by Clint Eastwood, was that of an All-American midwestern widowed man. His role alone spoke volumes of what America was and what it no longer is. Mr. Pawelchski was of Polish descent. Like the Germans, the Irish and the Italians, the Polish established themselves in the United States well before World War I. They faced discrimination and adversity upon their arrival. Eventually, their last names got common enough so that people stopped questioning their nationality, they became monolingual, and their distinguishing characteristics became less obvious.

Mr. Pawelchski's fold was his next door neighbor, a young Asian immigrant with no hope of ever getting a girlfriend. Like Latinos, Asians don't have a widely known presence in American history. Both still face discrimmination and adversity. Neither group's surnames have even begun to blend in with the rest of the mix. Neither dark skin, nor almond eyes will be ignored at an airport.

What really got me about this movie was its portrayal of distrust amongst us. We distrust each other, we fear each other and we segragate ourselves. We feel frustrated with what has become of our country, and we don't know how to turn it around. Instead, we blame it on each other. It was obvious that Pawelchski's character saw his neighbors as the cause of the American downfall. He had worked for GMC his whole life and hated the Japanese auto industry. He especially hated that his own son was a dealer for Toyota. Like Mr. Pawelchski, America had seen better days. From one generation to the next, America lost it's work ethic. Mr. Pawelchski's son, after all, was a materialistic, ambitious car-dealer whose poor excuse for parenting created materialistic, disrespectful, selfish children.

In his last days, Mr. Pawelchski passed on the torch of America's well being to his immigrant neighbor. Unlike Pawelchski's son, his neighbor was willing to take it. He learned about the value of honest labor from his elderly neighbor with great eagerness. And upon his neighbor's death, he was rewarded with a beatiful sportscar that was not to be defiled in anyway.

We should all take on that responsibility. I think America needs to revert to the work ethic present in the 1940's. They were after all, the greatest generation.


It's a really sad movie, but I highly recommend it.

Out for Blood

Not too long ago I visited Carter Blood Care so I could save a life and make a few bucks, but then I remembered that you only get compensated for plasma. When the medical assistant took my pulse, and saw that it was only 47 beats/minute, she told me that she would re-take it again in five minutes, but I could not donate unless it was above 50. By this time I was dead-set on giving blood because I had been feeling like a complete waste of oxygen at the time and wanted to feel a bit more heroic.

I just ended up feeling dizzy.

I had given blood once before and had no side effects whatsoever. No bruises, no dizziness, nothing. When the flobotomist finished taking my blood she proceeded to walk me to the snack station. We stood in the middle of the blood center as she explained to me how to go online and get my cholesterol results and blood type. I clearly remember telling her that I felt a little light headed right before she offered me a shirt. I don't remember refusing or accepting it...probably because I fell on my face before I got a chance to do either.

When I came to my senses, my glasses felt strangely out of place and not aligned with my nose at all. That's when I figured out that the floor was preventing their proper positioning. The blood ladies were super nice and brought me ice and water to help me recover. I didn't really want to. The feeling of unconsciousness is one of the most peaceful feelings I've ever had. I had never felt more rested. They gave me peanut butter cookies and juice and waited until I felt all better.

Much like Yossarian did with the chaplain from Catch-22, I fell in love with my blood lady. She was just so soft-spoken and nice that I had to go back and give another couple of pints. I made an appointment to give as soon as I become eligible again.

I checked the results of my mini-physical online and I'm in absolutely fantastic shape. Since the last time I gave blood, my cholesterol level has dropped 7 points to a healthy 149. My iron levels increased to 14.5 thanks to Jack-in-the-Box's Mini Sirloin Burgers. My blood pressure went down to 98/63, and I found out that I'm O-positive. That means I have Oprah particles on my blood cells.

In conclusion, give blood, but make sure you eat a hearty meal before you go give away your life juice.

Friday, April 17, 2009

10 Good Reasons to Elope

It seems to me that with every passing day I get older and older and every person around me starts hitting life milestones.  I've never had as many pregnant/engaged friends/acquaintances as I do now.  I feel like a silly teenager compared to all these women who are just swiftly hitting all the bases in a life homerun.  I've heard it's a southern thing to get married young, so maybe I'll move to NYC where I'll fit right in with all the Carries an Mirandas of the world.


Anyway, the only thing I've figured out is that I would not be a good mother and that I'm too lazy to plan a wedding and become a wife.  Then I figured I could still become a wife without all that wedding planning bull shit.  I could just elope, and it's totally justifiable


The first set of reasons revolves around the bill.  Who will foot the bill?!?


1.  As a Hispanic, I'm supposed to expect my fiance to pay for the wedding, but since most of my suitors are young and broke, it seems like my wedding food would consist of cheese and crackers. I could marry a rich older Texan like Jerry Jones, but then I'd end up like Anna Nicole Smith, and be married to said rich older Texan. At least I'd have 11 football players and 50 percent ownership to a state of the art architectural wonder left after Jerry's timely death.


2.  As an American, I'm supposed to be able to count on my dad to pay for the wedding, but my dad is a Hispanic who would expect my fiance to pay for the wedding.  He would get to the reception, receive his two crackers and three cubes of cheese and then lose all respect for my now husband who couldn't scrape up enough money to even get a can of Spam.  Anyway, what considerate bride would dip into her parents IRA knowning that so much of social security went to funding other things. 


3.  As a modern woman I'm supposed to be able to pay for my own wedding.  But as a modern woman, I'm educated enough to know that money is better spent on assets than parties.  I'd rather get some real estate with mineral rights.  Shout out to the Barnett Shale!!


Next is the problem of planning.  I hate planning.


4.  Making a guest list would be sheer torture.  There's only a few people in this world that I really love and they would probably already be sitting in my living room when I whipped out the envelopes.


5.  The logistics of making enough food for a wedding party can only lead to dry steak and sub par food in general.  Even $50 per plate dinners are cardboard-like when prepared for a crowd of 100.


6.  My taste in music is not quite party material, let alone wedding.  And I think it's a silly thing to plan a wedding for a bride and groom and then have to think of the guest list when making the play list.


Furthermore, there is the problem of traditions.


7.  I truly do enjoy clasping hands with all the single ladies at a wedding reception and running around in stilettos right before the bouquet is thrown.  However, I don't think I would like to be the bride standing in high heels on top of a wobbly stool with a half-drunk best man acting as a spotter as the only safety precaution.  All the while, clumsy single ladies snake around my makeshift platform in figure 8's.


8.  Can someone explain to me whose idea it was to have the groom stick his arm and/or head up the bride's dress in search of a garter while her parents (and the rest of the guests) look on. More importantly, why did everyone agree to it?


9.  I'm a pretty cosmopolitan woman, and I've been known to date interracially.  Have you ever thought of how hard it will be to plan a wedding cross culturally?  Just thinking about trying to blend two sets of traditions gives me a headache.


Lastly is the perk of location.


10.  Vegas, baby!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss

My favorite author ever is Dr. Seuss, hands down, no question about it. I love his books, his made up words, his silly rhymes, his insightful quotes, and his way of delivering an important message so that everyone understands.

So when I pulled up my browser and the word Google was made up of funny looking cartoons, I almost jumped with excitement. Today marks the 105th anniversary of Dr. Seuss's birthday. Google suggested a few links to learn more about the man, as Google usually does, and one of them was a link to Seussical quotes.

"If I was invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn't show up." -Dr. Seuss

Really? I would totally show up. Imagine that. The Cat in the Hat, Yertle the Turtle, Mack the turtle, Horton, the Who (the tiny person, not the band), the Lorax, the Once-ler, Sam and the Grinch.

The Grinch would try to steal the dinner party before it happened. Once it occurred, the Cat in the Hat would spill his drink and make an even bigger mess trying to clean it up. The Lorax would pull up the carpet and knit thneeds for all the guests. Horton would be upset because they served green eggs and ham. "A chicken's a chicken, no matter how small." Sam would be ecstatic over the menu since he would have figured out already that he does like green eggs and ham. And then everyone would start talking politics. Civil rights, democracy, sustainability, all sorts of things.

Perhaps I wouldn't come out of there unharmed, but I would have fun and a thneed to show for it.